Why I'm Not Mad at God

This isn't something I want to hide, it's a huge part of our life and family.
Not very many people know this, but we adopted 5 embryos a couple months ago. This journey has been in the making for over 2 years. We've looked at different agencies, went to a couple different doctors, a lawyer, got a home study and a few other things.
Our doctor helped me get my body ready for our transfer on 18th of last month. My body had never worked so well with any medicine before, he said I would gain some weight (like 15 to 20 lbs) and I maybe gained 5 pounds over the couple months working up to the transfer. All the measurements my body had to pass before moving forward were flawless. When the embryos were thawed only one didn't survive which is almost unheard of and the next day when we got to the clinic for the transfer another stopped growing so we threw another one out. The transfer was perfect! We even got to say hi to our 3 embryos and watch their zonas hatch with a laser by the embryologist. After the quick painless procedure we went home for our 2 week wait.

https://youtu.be/SWCIzeMHX7I
(Don't mind my commentary... I'm on Valium, and the video is too cool not to share.)

I felt sick and I was SO grateful to be stuck in the bathroom most of the time, that means something's working. Yay!!! Finally, I know what it feels like to be pregnant. What a miracle we were embracing, I have been waiting 6 and a half years to know what that feels like.
Then the 2 week wait ended when the nurse called with my blood work. I had preparing for a negative a little bit, just because that's all I've ever known. But when she said it, it was a lot worse then it normally feels like. We were (still are) crushed and devastated. All our hard work, prayers and fasts, 2 years of our life preparing, raised money, our hopes and dreams feels like it was torn away and flushed down the toilet. I didn't even know how to choke up the words to tell Dave over the phone because he was away working.
That night I layed in bed feeling so numb and sorry for myself and thinking about my life and how bad it seems with basically feeling like we've just had 3 miscarriages and failed adoptions all in one. And again, when I needed him most I can't even have my husband there with me. I feel like every time he is gone a big bad thing happens, or I find out more terrible news about our infertility.
I started praying to Heavenly Father to give me peace and give me thoughts of comfort and love and understanding. Then immediately the thoughts came to my mind. The Plan of Salvation. These embryos needed me and my body. We were supposed to pick these ones so I can give them a little amount of life that they needed so they can finish there little journeys to go back to our father in heaven. They knew I would be okay and comforted with the knowledge I have. Everything didn't go down the drain, it went up to heaven.
Every day since Monday I have felt a little better and I can't help but be so happy and grateful to know that our savior came down to earth for us to live and perform miracles and pay the ultimate sacrifice so we can live again and be with our families again. I cant wait until that day I get to finally hold those embryos again and kiss them and tell them how much I love them and raise them in heaven. What a sweet reunion that will be! How can I be sad about that?! How can you be mad at God for that?! Thats one of the happiest things I've ever known. So until then, I need to live life to it's fullest and be the best person I know to be.
When all is said and done, we loved this form of adoption and we would probably do it again. But, we haven't decided what to do next. We would love to adopt again since we can't get pregnant on our own, but it is a huge journey and takes lots of money, time and is very emotionally draining. All I know is we can't give up.

Ketchup

So it's been a while... We have been pretty busy around here!
The middle of July we made a humble decision to move into my parents basement. We are SO grateful for this opportunity. My love for my family has sky rocketed and I feel like we are growing closer and we do a lot of fun things. Our plan is to be here until between January and March- just depending when Dave finds another job.
The week after we moved we went to Bear Lake for a family reunion. That month we had recieved some news about our infertility plan and also being stressed about just moving I was in a terrible mood and didn't want to go anywhere. I am so grateful Dave forced me to go. As soon as we got there after crying the whole way moping about my faithless terrible life I thought I had at the time, I wiped my eyes and walked down by the lake and found this rock. On one side it looks like there is a heart carved in it, the other side looks like a baby carved in it.

You can think what ever you want. But to me I feel like it is a promise that I will be able to some day have a baby and that this is the right path if I choose to have enough faith and do what is asked of me.

A couple weeks ago I reached my 45 pound mark. Yay!!!

I feel SO much better! I havent lost any more. I have started taking some intense hormone medicine and it has seemed to keep me from going further. Now the battle isn't trying to loose any more, it's keeping it off. I am a little nervous for the holidays coming up. I just need to keep having faith in myself and ask the Lord for strength to help me overcome the cravings.

Yesterday was Dave's birthday. We have been celebrating since Friday. We went to Comic con Saturday (where we ran into my cousin, how fun!), Desert Star Playhouse Monday, and last night my mom made his favorite- Chinese food! We love to spoil him. He is a hard working man and deserves it!

I have a new job! I'm nannying for a new family. They live kitty corner to my parents home in the back. They have 2 of the cutest, sweetest girls I have ever met. They are even the same ages as the 2 boys I still nanny a couple times a month. I am so excited to get to know them more. The mom is so sweet and kind too. I love being her friend. I also find it interesting the differences between boys and girls at the same ages.

Oh! Here is a picture of me and my sister at the Utah State Fair last Saturday.

Lastly, I have felt the need to work on my faith in the Lord. So here are a few quotes I have enjoyed lately.

I hope this finds you well!
XOXO,
             Hannah

Growing and Shrinking

I am happy to report I haven't died of old age since turning 25. YES!! Which means I get to figure out what 25 means to me. CRAP!! Every year for my birthday I make new goals for myself. I do it at this time, instead of New Years because I feel like it more authentic and genuine.
This years goals I made for myself are...

•  Learn about, and ask for a new spiritual gift from our Heavenly Father.
• Say yes more often to good things I would normally be afraid of trying.
• Loosing weight and keeping it off with my new lifestyle I am implementing (already lost 25 pounds!)
• Learning more, or even taking a class about my oils, emotion code, foot zoning, etc.
• Realizing I am blessed and happy EVERY day!

As you can see I have some work to do.

=Last week we went to Bear Lake with a couple friends. D and I got there early so we took Loki to the beach while it was sunny. (Oh by the way we got a 9 month old dachshund a few months ago) Which was the only time it was sunny, go figure. Anyways! He had a blast!! It was HILARIOUS to watch him run and jump like crazy. He was sniffing all around and fetching twigs out of the shallow part of the lake. Then we came inside and fell asleep for a good while. 

During the weekend we had so much fun playing games, ate tons of crappy food- some which were cooked over the fire (accept for me with my diet. I didn't cheat once!), We talked and told stories around a fire, watched movies. It was a great weekend to get away and have some good fun. 

On the way home D and I were able to have a really good talk. I love having heart to hearts with that big guy. They're the greatest! There's a few things we want to change and we for sure have a "Plan B" if "Plan A" isn't going to pan out in a few months. Or if it does, implement plan B into plan A. I am so excited and scared for the leaps of faith we will be making for our future and to see what life unfolds.

You are also probably wondering about my diet too, huh? Long story short, theres a lady in my ward who lost over 100 lbs due to getting rid of the bad flora and most of the Candida Albanians in her gut and body. I don't even remember how she contacted me and told me about it. But all of a sudden I started coming to her wellness classes (over seen by a doctor) 3 weeks ago and our group is on a strict diet. Mainly no dairy, sugar, or wheat. And sometimes depending on the day no meat or no fruit. Right now I can't have nuts, any kind of beans or rice either. And I have to drink half my weight in ounces of water every day. 

Its really not bad at all. I don't really crave sugar any more. My skin is a lot less bumpy, I don't get headaches anymore, I am more happy, have a ton more energy, I even got my period back after 4 years of that not happening by itself! My body is just loving and flourishing this new change. So far on this diet I have lost 15 pounds (I lost 10 before I started this). I am not setting a goal for how much I want to loose because Ill stop trying after that. But if I keep eating right I will be able to maintain my weight loss throughout my life. Every once in a while I will allow myself a cheat day. It wont be once a week. It will be for a holiday or a very special occasion so I don't go overboard. But in any case, I am glad I have found something my body is happy with and is easy for me  and not breaking the bank.

Dave is good. He is still traveling a ton and is so done with his current job. We're still hoping and praying he gets this job in AZ, but we will just have to see what the Lord gives us. 

We are still waiting on embryos and are slowly getting our adoption.com thing up and running.

Oh! we are also moving into my parents basement at the middle to end of next month. We are saving up for a home. We are so grateful to them for taking us aside and talking to us and teaching us and helping us throughout life. I don't know where we would be without there love, knowledge and care.

Stop waiting

Today I woke up and decided it's time to start living my life and quit waiting for this whole adoption thing to happen. If it happens, great! Were ready. If not, I need to figure out how to move on and make me a good life. I've waited 6 years and the past couple I've kept myself from going out and doing things just in case we get a call or something of the sort. It is NOT a way to live. I am miserable. I feel stuck. I am unhappy!

This month I am turning 25 and I am having a quarter life crisis. To me 25 is SO old and it's not what I expected. I feel like I'm 18 still but I have more "experience". 

To me when I was 18 I thought at the age of 25 I would be married, a mommy and I'd live in a house and blah blah blah. Well, one of the three things I had longed and dreamed of happening has happened. Don't get me wrong, that one thing is beautiful, absolutely wonderful and I love every minute of it. I was just making my life out to have all 3. 

So I decided to change. for me my first step is to ask forgiveness. If I have done you wrong, I am deeply very sorry, please forgive me. I have let go of all bad experiences in my past and I am starting new. I have been working hard all day and will continue to keep working on it. It feels SO good break free! I already feel better. 

And that's as far as I've gotten. I'll make more of a plan very soon. But some of the plan is to not have a plan. I can't wait to see myself transform into a better more loving, happier me and finally live my life!

Crazy Idea

So I have this crazy idea. I'm not sure if its out of desperation or inspiration. But! I heard of it a few weeks and I can't shake it. It has worked 3 times for someone I know.

This weekend we had a few family pictures done. With that we will send out a written letter to OB/GYN's saying we are looking to do a private adoption and if you have an abandoned baby to call us and we will come pick them up and do a private adoption.

Is that a crazy idea or what?!

The lady telling me about it has adopted 3 babies that way. The first call being 3 weeks after the delivered letter. I'm NOT saying that will happen to us. I'm just saying thats what she experienced.

One good thing about a private adoption is it's a cheaper route, cutting out an agency. But you still have attorney fees and court fees and other fees.

We're going to give it a shot so buckle your seat belts for this ride!

Our Adoption Journey

It's so crazy to think we have been active on our adoption journey for a year since last February. We have been through some of the best and sweetest times and some of the absolute worst times. We have for sure grown closer together as a couple, with our Heavenly Father and close family. We have for sure come to realize who is our support system in our 5 1/2 year trial. And now from what I know, I wouldn't change it for the world!!! We have met some of the kindest people on this pathway that have changed our lives for good- and they will also be in our lives forever.

I truly am grateful for this trial. The veil is so close some times. I love it and i'm glad I have learned to be comfortable with it being that way. I am for sure a different person than when we started. Had it of been all up to me and no help from above we would be on a different road for sure!!! But where we're at now is by far better than Dave or I could have thought. More on that later... :)

As for now, I will leave you with a song that has helped me along this way and has given me strength when I have needed it the most. This is my favorite version. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMWoVP7nU_E

Sweet Assurance

If you know me, I’m a bit granola. Lol! I love and have a passion for essential oils, the Emotion Code, spirit to spirit communication, foot zoning, chakra chants, muscle testing and all that wonderful stuff! I was into it before it got popular and I believe it’s one of Heavenly Fathers gifts he has blessed us with if we are open to it and study it out and use it in a proper humble way.

With that being said.

 Last weekend I decided I had waited long enough and wanted to find out for myself what is going on with this embryo adoption journey were on. I started muscle testing the donor couple, Samantha (the lady over this whole thing) and the other couple also receiving some embryos. I was lucky they all gave me permission to test and ask them questions. I had come to the conclusion that there was some confusion, loss, and Samantha was going to let me know the next week what is going on.

Not to my surprise, she did call me in the middle of the week telling me that the donor couple started the process with the other couple first and that they had 2 negatives with both of their transfers. It is really sad! Both couples are sad and the donor couple want to wait to donate to us until they figure out if the problem is with the mother who had the transfer done, or if it was the embryos. So they want to do a little more testing on both ends. To be sure. The way Sam was talking it seemed it was a problem with the mom. Sam said that if she was in my shoes, she’d still feel comfortable with the transfer for ours and that with the report she got before all this the embryos seemed good. She said she’ll hopefully give us good news in the next few weeks.

We’re praying, going to the temple, and fasting a lot for strength in our faith, that my body will function properly and accept the embryos and there will be no complications.

I can tell we are getting so close. The veil is so thin some days. I feel surrounded by angels and sometimes when I am home or at the home I nanny in, I can hear baby cooing and giggling from another room and I get a wave of peace and comfort and a feeling of “It’s ok mommy, you are not forgotten”.  If you know me, I’m a bit granola. Lol! I love and have a passion for essential oils, the Emotion Code, spirit to spirit communication, foot zoning, chakra chants, muscle testing and all that wonderful stuff! I was into it before it got popular and I believe it’s one of Heavenly Fathers gifts he has blessed us with if we are open to it and study it out and use it in a proper humble way.

With that being said.

 Last weekend I decided I had waited long enough and wanted to find out for myself what is going on with this embryo adoption journey were on. I started muscle testing the donor couple, Samantha (the lady over this whole thing) and the other couple also receiving some embryos. I was lucky they all gave me permission to test and ask them questions. I had come to the conclusion that there was some confusion, loss, and Samantha was going to let me know the next week what is going on.

Not to my surprise, she did call me in the middle of the week telling me that the donor couple started the process with the other couple first and that they had 2 negatives with both of their transfers. It is really sad! Both couples are sad and the donor couple want to wait to donate to us until they figure out if the problem is with the mother who had the transfer done, or if it was the embryos. So they want to do a little more testing on both ends. To be sure. The way Sam was talking it seemed it was a problem with the mom. Sam said that if she was in my shoes, she’d still feel comfortable with the transfer for ours and that with the report she got before all this the embryos seemed good. She said she’ll hopefully give us good news in the next few weeks.

We’re praying, going to the temple, and fasting a lot for strength in our faith, that my body will function properly and accept the embryos and there will be no complications.

I can tell we are getting so close. The veil is so thin some days. I feel surrounded by angels and sometimes when I am home or at the home I nanny in, I can hear baby cooing and giggling from another room and I get a wave of peace and comfort and a feeling of “It’s ok mommy, you are not forgotten”.  

Waiting...

I am slowly going crazy 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch. Crazy going slowly am I 6 5 4 3 2 1 SWITCH!!!

Well, if you cant tell, I'm going crazy!  We got word that we have been chosen by an LDS donor family and we are getting half of the embryos and another couple is getting half of the embryos. That is, if the other couple receiving them can make a decision. Were trying so hard to be patient while the other couple is deciding. If they choose against it we will get all the embryos. Yay!!! But until then we are trying to keep busy and figure out a way to speed up time.
We have had many confirmations that this is the path which we are to follow, and I have been very close with the spirit the past few weeks and I have a true knowledge that this is right. I have been fasting and praying for the other couple to try and help them decide. There are special spirits on the other side helping in ways we cannot see, and there is a beautiful calm feeling in our home and all around us and I love that feeling. We are so close!

Here are a few of my favorite quotes by my favorite Apostles that has helped me keep going when I have been in the deepest darkest pits of despair.

Oh my! It's January already?! Oops...

December was a busy month. Full of parties, adoption meetings with various people, getting funds secured, shopping for Christmas, baking, and work. To tell you the truth I'm glad its over. I just couldn't really get into the mood this year. That's kind of a lie.. any time baby Jesus was talked about I'd bawl like a little baby myself because it's a baby and were going to have one or two ourselves this year, and Jesus is so wonderful to me. So I guess I put too much pressure on myself. I tried to make so many memories of the last Christmas with just Dave and I, I just forgot to relax myself. That's a lie. I didn't want to take time to relax because all I would do is get anxious and stressed about whats happening soon. It's a huge change!! And we are choosing this. When this happens, there is no going back. It won't be just Dave and I anymore.

I've wanted this for so long and now it's here I just don't know what to think. I'm excited to have baby(s) and be the cute mommy and have baby stuff around and do all that, and I know we will be good parents, yatta yatta yatta, but it will be different. No more doing what I want when I want, just picking up and go, sitting and watching a show while painting my nails to perfection and getting ready for the day for an hour, taking time making meals, getting amazing unbothered sleep, you get the idea! Is that selfish? I know millions of women have had babies and have survived and its rainbows, butterflies, and kittens... and lots of poop and barf. But it's all seeming real now and I'm excited, but also anxious and nervous. In any case, I know and understand this is a huge blessing and I'm so grateful this path has come. I cannot wait until the baby(s) get here and we can start our eternal family.

I have started thinking about nurseries and clothes and have our name lists up to date and I REALLY cannot wait to buy clothes. I see the cutest clothes on Pinterest and about die of cuteness overload. Also, every time we go to target I “accidentally” walk by REALLY slowly and eyeball down the baby section at all the cute clothes and make mental notes to self of outfits I want. I do the same thing down the baby toy and accessories isle. But for now, I just buy a boring box diapers every other time I get groceries.

The lady who is in charge of the embryos texted me the end of last week and said hopefully January should be our month so PLEASE pray that we can get them this month!!! And most likely in February they will implant them. It will depend on everything. Hooray! She is saying we are tentatively getting 4 embryos. 2 in each straw. We are thinking we will use 2 now and 2 later.

Anyways, this is all I can think about right now, if you couldn't tell. So if you want to go do something sometime to help get my mind off of things, I'd be more than happy.  

So for the holiday festivities we went to the Forgotten Carols and we went to the lights on Temple Square. For Christmas eve we went to Golden Corral with Daves family and then went to his parents for a Christmas party where we played a few games and had a cute production of the nativity by the little cousins and then we watched White Christmas. We slept over and opened presents in the morning then we went to my parents home. We opened more presents and ate (by that time) brunch and we took all our stuff home and took down all our Christmas decorations and then went back to play games, relax and have Christmas dinner. It was a great day and I was glad it was over.

For new years in the evening, we carpooled with a friend from my high school to Jordan commons to have a fun party with some other old friends from high school. We had SO much fun playing games, talking, and eating yummy potluck appetizers. We probably get together 3-4 times a year and have a blast each time.